I Have A (Chinese) Name

In my never-ceasing attempts to learn Mandarin in my spare time, I decided to watch and listen to sports highlights on Chinese TV stations. All of the pictures were packaged and sequenced exactly the same as in the U. S. and other countries, and the presenter enthusiastically summarized the action on the screen. Except I noticed one thing. I didn't hear the presenter say any of the names of the athletes. It was all run-together-Mandarin as-usual to my untrained ear. And these were highlights from NBA basketball, the sport that the Chinese are supposedly crazy about. At no time did I hear the names of any the players on the screen: not Carmelo Anthony, not Paul Pierce, not Kevin Garnett, not Tim Duncan, not even celebrated superstar LeBron James.


I asked one of my co-workers about what I watched. "All of the sports stars are recognized only by their Chinese names," he said. "Everyone knows this."


Now I know that this should not have surprised me at all, but I was nonetheless shocked and amazed. In South Africa, no one makes up a different name for the Yankees' Derek Jeter. There's no made-up moniker for Shaquille O'Neal in Germany. Even the French call NFL quarterback Peyton Manning, "Peyton Manning." They don't call him "Le Mannion des Peyton" or something stupid like that. But the Chinese apparently find it way too tough to say anyone's name in anything but Mandarin. Unless it's Kobe Bryant, who is known simply as "Ko-bay", likely because his first name naturally fits into 2 familiar Chinese characters.


Still, it's hard for me to understand. I mean, we Americans didn't start calling Yao Ming anything different when he joined the NBA. The worst we did to fellow Chinese hoops hero Yi Jianlian was shorten his name to two letters -"Yi" - and stuck it to the back of his jersey.


The implications for talking to someone in China about sports or popular culture are huge. If I want to talk to a Chinese person about legendary painter Picasso, it's "who?" Singer Mariah Carey: "Eh?" Even one of their own, actor Jackie Chan, is known by an entirely different name. I need to point to his picture before people get it. "See, it's Jackie Chan! Jackie CHAN! JACK-IE CHANNN!"


Forget it. And don't fall into the bad habit of thinking that raising the volume or pitch of your voice helps; it doesn't.


Movie titles? Never mind. The title of the recent Will Smith movie "Hancock" is referred-to as something like "flying black superhero man with sunglasses." Simply calling it "Hancock" would be too easy.


"Enter The Dragon"? You know, Bruce Lee? ("BRUCE LEE?") Nope. But if I spoke about the most famous movie starring Li Xiaolong, then we're going somewhere.


I can't believe it.


I finally asked someone what my Chinese name would be, if I could choose it. To my surprise, I discovered I already have one. It's even written on my Foreign Experts Certificate, in Chinese characters, "An Dong Ni." That is apparently the closest anyone could get to saying my given name in Mandarin. I still don't know how to say it myself, nor which tones you're supposed to use. With my luck in China, it can probably be misinterpreted to mean "dung of a perverted sheep-owning peasant." When I hear raucous laughter the next time I introduce myself, then I'll know.

Diet Coke

Fast on the heels of my surprisingly-favorable review of McDonald's in China, I now deliver a defense of another sinister American import, Coca-Cola. I am a huge fan and big consumer of Diet Coke, and I am so happy I can drink it from one side of China to the other. Quaffing other cola products are like drinking liquid cinder blocks compared to Diet Coke, a.k.a. Coca-Cola Light, a.k.a. jian yi kele (literally, no-sugar Cola). So, for those knuckleheads who enjoy the full-calorie, full-sugar alternative, you can take your billions of cases of original Coke or Pepsi and resume building the Great Wall. The rest of us will enjoy our low-calorie carbonated fix.

Diet drink marketing in China has been slow, mostly due to some old-world thinking. It seems many people in undevevloped countries associate the English word "diet" with women who want to lose weight. Consuming a "diet" drink is still seen to be un-manly here. Hence, such drinks are labeled "light" drinks. I've seen Coca-Cola Light, Pepsi Light, even Dr. Pepper Light on the shelves in China. It is almost like the struggle to market light beer in the U. S. 30 years ago. It's interesting to note, too, that Coke Zero is a Chinese curiosity among sodas, while its market share is marginal in the U. S. and Europe.

So it's a mixed bag regarding low-calorie sodas in Beijing. It may be comforting for the culture snobs to know that a lot of Chinese do not consider Coca-Cola products to be healthy at all. Tea is, has been, and always will be the drink of choice in China. After all, many TV commercials air featuring fit, healthy young people singing songs and enjoying tea at the beach, so it must be good for you, right?

Beijing Police

I survived a recent brush with the law here in Beijing. I'd agreed to the 1 year deal to stay at my current job last December, but my employer failed to tell me I had to renew my work and residency papers. It turned out I was living in China and working illegally for 22 days. I had to pay an 800 U.S. dollar fine, AND I had to spend a day at a police station, which really concerned me. I expected detention, or forced labor, or waterboarding, at least.


POLICE OFFICER: Let me take a moment to explain the penalties. Once we find you guilty, we will sentence you to one day of hard labor.

ME: Wait a second! WHAT? What do you mean 'hard labor?'

OFFICER: You will be ordered to report to work, joining the farmers and other migrants who are building that Beijing skyscraper across the street. You will continue to lift bricks and mortar, weld metal, and balance on bamboo scaffolding until you either run out of phlegm-packed spit or fall to your death, whichever comes first.

ME: Don't you have something less taxing, like probation? You know, if you catch me breaking the law again, I get deported to the U. S., where I can join the first home construction project once the economy begins moving again?

OFFICER: We do not have this probation of which you speak. Everybody knows this.

ME: How about Double Secret Probation? Does anybody know about that?

OFFICER: You are lucky the farmers bought all of the plastic buckets or you would be severely waterboarded already.


My employer promised to send a Chinese legal expert to sit with me, but dispatched a cute office-worker girl to keep me company instead. This wasn't half bad; it made the threat of waterboarding seem a lot easier to handle.

It was a nervous, disturbing time, with no one bothering to translate for me what was going to happen next. I had to sign some papers that explained my guilt and my "attitude toward the offenses." It ended up being nothing worse than paying for parking tickets, and the company, to its credit, provided all the cash on the spot. I suppose I now have a criminal record in China, which should give me some serious street cred, and make me all the more irresistible to the cute Mainland babes who are already crushing on Obama.