Fashion Part Three

The variety of mangled English words and phrases on t-shirts worn in China is a continuous source of mirth and merriment during my otherwise miserable public journeys in Beijing. Again, the young people wearing these shirts either 1) don't know what the messages mean, or 2) don't care. It's just that they are so overwhelmed by their love for the English language.

Sometimes the words are simply mispelled. But in other cases, the messages seem intentionally clever, hip and trendy.

Here are some of my favorites in 2010:

READY TO RUCK

GOOD BALL BABY DOLL

THE HOT STUNNER IS VERY YOUNG VOGUE

MONEY IS NO NEED FOR ME

LEARN PLAY BENIGN

NO PAINT NO GAIN

WATCH MY EYES BECAUSE OF LOVE

WORK OUT A STRATEGY SURELY WE CAN GET ALONG COMPLETELY

FRIENDS DON'T PLAY TOO HARD. OCH.


...and finally,


ROUGH AND CRUDE

I actually saw a girl wearing that one. Straight to the point. I like it.

The Psychic Foreigner

My employer recently dispatched myself and a crew of Beijing co-workers to document an event in another Chinese city. I always welcome these rare chances to see China outside of Beijing, because, like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.
While the assignment was interesting, the trip to Linyi -- a moderately-sized city of around 1.1 million between Beijing and Shanghai alongside a river about the width of the Mississippi at St. Louis -- was another great example of how someone from overseas must play the part of The Psychic Foreigner.

The Psychic Foreigner is someone who must read the minds of the Chinese who won't tell him or her diddly-squat about what's going on. Because after all, everyone knows it already, since everyone is Chinese. At least, that's what everyone's learned from living in a nation isolated from the rest of the planet for 60 years.

So when we returned to Beijing, our flight landed at a "secondary" airport, not Beijing Capital International. No one with our crew told me about this change in destination -- a small airstrip that looked as if it was way, way out in the sticks -- nor would they let me in on where we were or how close or far it was to Beijing. They just got their bags, got in taxis or buses, and left. This is proof to me that most Chinese are simply still unprepared to have foreigners in their country. Even at an airport, no help. No maps, no guidebooks, no customer information of any kind. You're just supposed to know.

I called my wife, and guess what, she knew exactly where I was and how I could get home. Why my co-workers couldn't do this for me, I still don't understand. I actually found an honest taxi driver who could talk to my wife on the phone and follow instructions to take me to the nearest train station, and I was able to pick up the trail from there.

But like I've said before, the Chinese can't wait until they get all the pandas back, so they can close off the country again, for good.

Music Video Madness

My initial plan for living in China had everything to do with keeping in touch via internet. Sadly, I was too stupid to understand that China was one of those countries that does not view the internet as its friend. I fell victim to all those foreign correspondent knuckleheads who could only write columns about how amazingly wired this nation was. But within a year of the Beijing Olympics, links to foreign-based social networks were a thing of the past. YouTube and Facebook disappeared, never to return to China. Google was put under seige, and finally gave in to censorship demands. It is very inexpensive to get online, but you must accept that your freedom to surf is extremely limited.

But I still get most of my news from the internet, and China's equivalent of YouTube really comes up with about 75% of the video stuff that I'd see in the U-S. For example, I can see the video of what is said to be the most popular song on American radio, something called "Whip My Hair" by 9-year old Willow Smith, daughter of actor Will Smith. The former Fresh Prince and his equally-fresh kids are highly popular in China, yet this is a video you'd think the Chinese would not want to people to see over here. As if it was not troubling enough to have a 9-year old wearing heavy makeup, joining her classmates in throwing their braided hair around, there's the English lyrics (I think she's says she's going to "whip it hard" at one point) which will undoubtedly soon be heard on the kids' cell phone ringtones all over Beijing. Plus, just consider the words "whip it" and pop music combined. Remember, the last time that happened on the radio was when the Dazz Band's R & B "Whip It" joined Devo's punk "Whip It" around 1980. Admit it, 9-year-old schoolchildren and "whip it" should not be mentioned in the same sentence unless you are talking about the return of corporal punishment.

Which they never, ever do in China, of course.

Um, talk about it, I mean. Oh, never mind.

Better City, Better Life

"When are we going to the World Expo in Shanghai?", my wife asked me last week.

"Whenever Quanjude roast duck sprouts wings and flies out of my ass," was my reply. I explained that although the exhibition's title suggests a global event, it is not for foreigners.

Similar to the Beijing Olympics in 2008, the World Expo is primarily for the Chinese people to learn more about the world around them, not the other way around. As such, it's been wildly successful. The Shanghai show is attracting millions to its mix of national pavillions and multi-cultural entertainment, and if there is any country on the planet that needs to benefit from multi-cultural education, it's China. I can tell you from personal experience that most Chinese still just freak-out when they see someone who does not look or sound Chinese.

Chinese man 1: "Holy s***! What's that?

Chinese man 2: "I think it's a foreigner. Or maybe an elephant. I'm not sure."

Chinese man 1: "I see. If we stare at it long enough, maybe it will turn into a Chinese person. But unless it speaks Chinese we cannot consider its existence to be fact. Everyone knows this."

Chinese man 2: "Indeed. You are most wise. Commence staring."

Therefore, traveling to Shanghai for the World Expo would not be the most comfortable experience if you are not from around here. But I like to see photos and read about the Expo, because it brings the always-simmering rivalry between Beijing and Shanghai to a new level. In fact, the Expo slogan "Better City, Better Life," could be more of a statement about Shanghai's uppity self-image.

Beijing's Olympics were so 2008. It is Shanghai's turn in the spotlight. So let the unfair comparison begin!

1. EVENT APPEAL
The Olympics lasted 17 days. The Expo runs all summer long. There are many more things to see and do in Shanghai, and you can take your time. The Olympics revolved around a series of tightly scheduled sports events held at ridiculously high prices.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI. True, the Expo is not cheap. But you can't beat the free entertainment provided by the nightly light show, and although Shanghai's skyscraper skyline is hideous, it's better than Beijing's.

2. FRIENDLINESS
Beijing Olympics hucksters were merely annoying. Shanghai's street vendors are relentless, aggressive idiots always ready to prey on rich, jet-lagged foreigners.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI
Despite the vendors, consider this fact: Shanghai's always had a pro-business policy when it comes to its overseas visitors. Beijing's policy has historically been to find foreigners and come up with creative reasons to kick them out. That's what made the awarding of the Olympic games to China so mind-bendingly out-of-character to begin with.

3. MASCOT
You'd think the Olympic Fuwa should win this one hands-down. After all, they could overwhelm you with their cuteness and sheer numbers. The Expo's blue mascot, Haibao, was originally derided as looking like everything from a two-legged barstool to a squirt of toothpaste.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI
Haibao was so goofy-looking that he grew in popularity. By the time the Expo opened, Haibao could have been elected president, if that was indeed possible. At the very least, he can forever encourage Chinese kids to brush their teeth after every meal. By contrast, the Fuwa are pretty-much useless in their post-Olympics retirement.

4. TELEVISION COMMERCIALS
The Olympics hype focused on China's potential impact on the world scene, not just in athletics, but in society at large. The Expo TV ads simply depict people from "all walks of life," as they like to say, celebrating diversity and partying with Haibao from the Himalayas to the South China Sea.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI
One touching ad shows a young Chinese girl literally leaping from one country to another, making friends with other children along the way. You gotta ask why wasn't this cute kid representing the allegedly-underage national gymnastics team at Beijing 2008?

5. CROWDS
The Shanghai summer's been hot, and big crowds stink. That sweaty combination surely made many tourists gag while waiting in lines to get inside air-conditioned national pavillions; bathrooms, too, for that matter. Then there's the odd Chinese cultural habit of busting in line. Don't get me started on that.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI
It was hot at Beijing 2008 as well, but the bathroom options were not nearly as good, depending on which venue you attended or what hotel you stayed in. My hotel room's bathroom shower didn't have a curtain or a tub; only a pipe, a shower head, and a drain. I guess I was just supposed to be happy to get wet. I think you will actually get clean in Shanghai, or at least get a good, happy massage.

------

DECISION: SHANGHAI WINS
...Beijing gets blanked. And for those of you who want to say, "if you like Shanghai so much, why don't you just move there?", save your breath. I suspect my wife and Haibao are already hooking-up.

Traditional Chinese Medicine

When I arrived in Beijing, I had dinner with an American friend of mine, one of the few people from the U. S. whom I knew here, and we talked about health care in China. At some point, I remarked that I used to suffer from daily headaches in the U. S., but then I discovered that a mix of medication and meditation (all right, most of it medication, I admit) solved the problem.

He said to forget about medication in China, and recommended, "a good massage will take care of your headaches. Everyone knows this."

I told him I did not need a massage. I said, "I need drugs!" I told him this in a voice loud enough to cause concern among the other men in the restaurant, at least those who weren't busy coughing up phlegm and spitting it on the floor.

This combination helped launch us into a discussion about Traditional Chinese Medicine which continues to this day. Because I spent the first 49 years of my life in the West, I don't have a very bright view of TCM. In fact, based on my experience with the health care system in China, if someone gave me the choice between treatment by a TCM physician or seeing a witch doctor, I'd be going to the guy wearing the grass skirt, war paint, and bone through his nose. After listening to some of the remedies TCM doctors have prescribed for me and others, it's hard to keep from wondering what bag of porridge rice they received their professional degrees from. The fact that they are wearing white lab coats is a joke, and probably ranks as an insult to medical science in general.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for the culture of home-grown medicine and herbal cures for a variety of health issues. TCM is researched and practiced with growing popularity around the world. But when you land in a place where people rely on TCM (and only TCM) to deal with everything from common aches and pains to brain surgery, it is a shock. When the comedian Richard Pryor famously said, "the hospital is no place to get well," he must have had China in mind.

My wife complained to me one morning about having stomach cramps, which is not an uncommon thing to hear about. But because she is Chinese and relies completely on TCM, she suggested the cause of her pain was cold air entering her body through the pores of her skin. I tried to explain to her that menstrual cramping is created by changes in a woman's hormone levels that lead to painful muscle contractions, not because Jack Frost was nipping at her navel. She actually thought I was insane for recommending analgesics or other over-the-counter pain medication. I said, "okay then, rub some dirt on your stomach and see if it feels better." I think I'll be sleeping in the living room for a while.

I'm sorry, but if you ask me, a prescription of herbs and roots is just not an effective way to treat illness. On the other hand, I am convinced that a lot of feeling bad is all in your mind anyway, so maybe it's a good solution for the Chinese people, and a lot cheaper, too.

Whatever floats your boat for health care is fine with me. Just realize that for some of us, adjusting to Traditional Chinese Medicine is like trying to turn the Titanic around. It's gonna take some time.

China and the Tyranny of Numbers

A foreigner I knew in Beijing said to me that he was once asked what China was like. He answered in a none-too-subtle way, "there are a lot of Chinese there."

The fact that China is the most populous country on the planet drives everything about the place. So many mouths to feed, so many workers to employ, so many consumers to buy products.

But the business world seems to regard this country with an adoration that borders on madness. They simply look at the raw numbers of potential customers and lose their collective minds.

What business leaders should be asking themselves is, does China really want what you are selling? Or would the people of China rather buy those products from a Chinese company instead?

Take, for example, the world soccer governing body, FIFA. According to an article in Time magazine about China's wish to host the World Cup football tournament:

"One thing is fairly certain: FIFA, the organization that runs the World Cup and decides the hosts, would likely do backflips if China tossed its hat in the ring, opening up the largest untapped soccer market in the world...there's an 'irresistible trend' toward China hosting the event."

Sure, China loves soccer, and that's great. But that doesn't mean enough Chinese people love soccer to make hosting the World Cup an automatic success. The marketing experts say, sure, but even if a mediocre amount of Chinese show up to buy your product, it means millions and millions more than are buying it than in the U.S., the U. K. or some other Western nation. So, they set up shop in Beijing and Shanghai, in Jilin and Jinan, in Qingdao and Chongqing, and wait in anticipation for the masses of Chinese customers to arrive.

Guess what? They aren't coming.

They are buying things from home-grown shops and stores instead. Clothes, cars, electronics, everything. There's no cachet to buying an imported brand, either. Chinese consumers were brought up to save money, not spend it, and they'll do it by increasingly buying domestic, not imported goods.

So, for those foreign companies expecting China will be their business salvation in the on-going global money crisis, maybe you should concentrate more on improving your marketing skills at home instead of taking them abroad. It will save you your shirt in the long run.

It's true, at any given moment, a million Chinese are doing something: buying cars, making widgets, eating, sleeping, spitting, something. That's a lot, but it's a very low figure on-average or by-percentage.

To paraphrase basketball coach Rick Pitino at the end of his unsuccessful run with the NBA's Boston Celtics, the Chinese consumer is not walking through that door. People in the Asian markets are a lot smarter than you think.

Fashion Part Two

Summers in Beijing are unbelieveably hot and oppressive. A lot of people complain that the air is thick with pollution, but it's really more about the lack of wind in the region. I swear the same air is over the city today that showed up 2 weeks ago. No rain, no breeze, and 95-to-100 degrees F. every single day. It's just like a friend wrote me: you know something's wrong when you wake up in a hot sweat because the temperature outside is 89...at 8 o'clock in the morning.

Yet summer's become my favorite season in Beijing because of the wild variety of English- language message t-shirts popularized by young people in the city. They're typically worn by high school students who want everyone to know how much they love English.

So here are some of my choices for the coolest message t-shirts I've seen this season -- and, like everything else in this blog, you can't make this stuff up:

SORRY I'M LATER

SWEET FLAVOR ROUGH TASTE

HURRY UP I CAN HEAR THE POLICE COMING

GET RICH AND SPEND MONEY

ALWAYS WEAR WHITE AND CLEAN

YOU HAVE NO REASON TO REFUSE MY REQUEST

SEXY CRACK KING HOODIE

and finally,

YOU CANNOT STOP MY PARTY

The kids -- and some adults -- don't always know what the words on their shirts, hats and handbags really say, and some of the messages are prone to contextual errors and typos. But that's what makes reading English in China fun.

More Chinese should try it. If they did, maybe people might quit trying to stop the party and want to join it instead.