It is time for the Chinese to celebrate the annual Mid-Autumn Festival. It is an event marked by the traditional giving of mooncakes, similar to the holiday gift of fruitcakes in other countries. I decided to see how the two delectibles matched up in a classic, stomach-churning, tale-of-the-tape comparison.
So, for the 1.3 billion Chinese citizens in attendance, and the half-dozen fans reading this blog around the world..."ladies and gentlemen...L-L-L-L-LET'S GET READY TO RUMB-L-L-L-L-L-E!"
Ingredients: Fruitcake is a heavy and sometimes alcohol-fueled cake packed with candied fruit, dried fruit, and nuts. Mooncake is not even a cake, but actually a dense pastry about the size of a Hostess Twinkie, which includes fillings of kidney bean paste, or lotus seed paste, or yolk from salted duck eggs in the center. At least 4 or 6 come in a highly-decorative, holiday-themed box.
ADVANTAGE: FRUITCAKE. Fruitcake occasionally features alcohol. Mooncake features paste. Any food that uses something called "paste" in the center should automatically give one pause. The last time I remember anyone actually eating paste was during pre-school activity time.
Calories: Fruitcake = 250 (per slice). Mooncake = 800 (per cake).
ADVANTAGE: FRUITCAKE (given that the slice of fruicake and the mooncake are the same basic size). In terms of health, neither is a good option. If you decide to eat one slice of fruitcake, hope that a lawyer remembered to leave his business card in the package. Your fruitcake might be soaked in so much rum that you'll earn a DUI violation on the way home from the holiday dinner. On the other hand, consume an entire box of 4-to-6 mooncakes and put your cardiologist on speed dial.
Gift Value: Fruitcake is a traditional staple for Christmas parties or wedding receptions, and one cake be used several times per year. Even if consumed by the recipient, it can accurately be called the gift that keeps on giving. Mooncakes can be tossed in the fridge, but the filling won't last long. Besides, the packaging is so cool that you'll want to buy new ones each year, anyway.
ADVANTAGE: MOONCAKE. Some people determine the value on the artistic packaging alone. After all, it's the thought -- and the colorful design on the box -- that counts.
Humor Value: Older, rock-hard fruitcake has legendary alternative uses, including but not limited to: sledgehammers, doorstops, tire blocks, and various blunt force trauma-inducing instruments of violence. Mooncakes are at the center of a Yuan dynasty legend which says messages got smuggled inside the pastries in a plot to overthrow the Mongols.
ADVANTAGE: EVEN. Curious how both can be counted on as weapons of some sort.
Post-Gift Use: One U. S. city hosted a festival in which a time-hardened fruitcake was fired 1,400 feet from a purpose-built, air-compressed cannon. I suspect China will find a way to appropriately blast mooncakes into outer space, once engineers increase their rockets' weight-to-lift ratio.
ADVANTAGE: MOONCAKE. Maybe fruitcake's already been enjoyed on the International Space Station, but mooncake has the capability to reach lunar orbit.
WINNER: MOONCAKE BY SPLIT DECISION, despite the fact that few people in China see anything funny about either food.
The line, "nutty as a mooncake" doesn't seem to fit, somehow.
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