Fashion Part Three

The variety of mangled English words and phrases on t-shirts worn in China is a continuous source of mirth and merriment during my otherwise miserable public journeys in Beijing. Again, the young people wearing these shirts either 1) don't know what the messages mean, or 2) don't care. It's just that they are so overwhelmed by their love for the English language.

Sometimes the words are simply mispelled. But in other cases, the messages seem intentionally clever, hip and trendy.

Here are some of my favorites in 2010:

READY TO RUCK

GOOD BALL BABY DOLL

THE HOT STUNNER IS VERY YOUNG VOGUE

MONEY IS NO NEED FOR ME

LEARN PLAY BENIGN

NO PAINT NO GAIN

WATCH MY EYES BECAUSE OF LOVE

WORK OUT A STRATEGY SURELY WE CAN GET ALONG COMPLETELY

FRIENDS DON'T PLAY TOO HARD. OCH.


...and finally,


ROUGH AND CRUDE

I actually saw a girl wearing that one. Straight to the point. I like it.

The Psychic Foreigner

My employer recently dispatched myself and a crew of Beijing co-workers to document an event in another Chinese city. I always welcome these rare chances to see China outside of Beijing, because, like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.
While the assignment was interesting, the trip to Linyi -- a moderately-sized city of around 1.1 million between Beijing and Shanghai alongside a river about the width of the Mississippi at St. Louis -- was another great example of how someone from overseas must play the part of The Psychic Foreigner.

The Psychic Foreigner is someone who must read the minds of the Chinese who won't tell him or her diddly-squat about what's going on. Because after all, everyone knows it already, since everyone is Chinese. At least, that's what everyone's learned from living in a nation isolated from the rest of the planet for 60 years.

So when we returned to Beijing, our flight landed at a "secondary" airport, not Beijing Capital International. No one with our crew told me about this change in destination -- a small airstrip that looked as if it was way, way out in the sticks -- nor would they let me in on where we were or how close or far it was to Beijing. They just got their bags, got in taxis or buses, and left. This is proof to me that most Chinese are simply still unprepared to have foreigners in their country. Even at an airport, no help. No maps, no guidebooks, no customer information of any kind. You're just supposed to know.

I called my wife, and guess what, she knew exactly where I was and how I could get home. Why my co-workers couldn't do this for me, I still don't understand. I actually found an honest taxi driver who could talk to my wife on the phone and follow instructions to take me to the nearest train station, and I was able to pick up the trail from there.

But like I've said before, the Chinese can't wait until they get all the pandas back, so they can close off the country again, for good.

Music Video Madness

My initial plan for living in China had everything to do with keeping in touch via internet. Sadly, I was too stupid to understand that China was one of those countries that does not view the internet as its friend. I fell victim to all those foreign correspondent knuckleheads who could only write columns about how amazingly wired this nation was. But within a year of the Beijing Olympics, links to foreign-based social networks were a thing of the past. YouTube and Facebook disappeared, never to return to China. Google was put under seige, and finally gave in to censorship demands. It is very inexpensive to get online, but you must accept that your freedom to surf is extremely limited.

But I still get most of my news from the internet, and China's equivalent of YouTube really comes up with about 75% of the video stuff that I'd see in the U-S. For example, I can see the video of what is said to be the most popular song on American radio, something called "Whip My Hair" by 9-year old Willow Smith, daughter of actor Will Smith. The former Fresh Prince and his equally-fresh kids are highly popular in China, yet this is a video you'd think the Chinese would not want to people to see over here. As if it was not troubling enough to have a 9-year old wearing heavy makeup, joining her classmates in throwing their braided hair around, there's the English lyrics (I think she's says she's going to "whip it hard" at one point) which will undoubtedly soon be heard on the kids' cell phone ringtones all over Beijing. Plus, just consider the words "whip it" and pop music combined. Remember, the last time that happened on the radio was when the Dazz Band's R & B "Whip It" joined Devo's punk "Whip It" around 1980. Admit it, 9-year-old schoolchildren and "whip it" should not be mentioned in the same sentence unless you are talking about the return of corporal punishment.

Which they never, ever do in China, of course.

Um, talk about it, I mean. Oh, never mind.

Better City, Better Life

"When are we going to the World Expo in Shanghai?", my wife asked me last week.

"Whenever Quanjude roast duck sprouts wings and flies out of my ass," was my reply. I explained that although the exhibition's title suggests a global event, it is not for foreigners.

Similar to the Beijing Olympics in 2008, the World Expo is primarily for the Chinese people to learn more about the world around them, not the other way around. As such, it's been wildly successful. The Shanghai show is attracting millions to its mix of national pavillions and multi-cultural entertainment, and if there is any country on the planet that needs to benefit from multi-cultural education, it's China. I can tell you from personal experience that most Chinese still just freak-out when they see someone who does not look or sound Chinese.

Chinese man 1: "Holy s***! What's that?

Chinese man 2: "I think it's a foreigner. Or maybe an elephant. I'm not sure."

Chinese man 1: "I see. If we stare at it long enough, maybe it will turn into a Chinese person. But unless it speaks Chinese we cannot consider its existence to be fact. Everyone knows this."

Chinese man 2: "Indeed. You are most wise. Commence staring."

Therefore, traveling to Shanghai for the World Expo would not be the most comfortable experience if you are not from around here. But I like to see photos and read about the Expo, because it brings the always-simmering rivalry between Beijing and Shanghai to a new level. In fact, the Expo slogan "Better City, Better Life," could be more of a statement about Shanghai's uppity self-image.

Beijing's Olympics were so 2008. It is Shanghai's turn in the spotlight. So let the unfair comparison begin!

1. EVENT APPEAL
The Olympics lasted 17 days. The Expo runs all summer long. There are many more things to see and do in Shanghai, and you can take your time. The Olympics revolved around a series of tightly scheduled sports events held at ridiculously high prices.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI. True, the Expo is not cheap. But you can't beat the free entertainment provided by the nightly light show, and although Shanghai's skyscraper skyline is hideous, it's better than Beijing's.

2. FRIENDLINESS
Beijing Olympics hucksters were merely annoying. Shanghai's street vendors are relentless, aggressive idiots always ready to prey on rich, jet-lagged foreigners.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI
Despite the vendors, consider this fact: Shanghai's always had a pro-business policy when it comes to its overseas visitors. Beijing's policy has historically been to find foreigners and come up with creative reasons to kick them out. That's what made the awarding of the Olympic games to China so mind-bendingly out-of-character to begin with.

3. MASCOT
You'd think the Olympic Fuwa should win this one hands-down. After all, they could overwhelm you with their cuteness and sheer numbers. The Expo's blue mascot, Haibao, was originally derided as looking like everything from a two-legged barstool to a squirt of toothpaste.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI
Haibao was so goofy-looking that he grew in popularity. By the time the Expo opened, Haibao could have been elected president, if that was indeed possible. At the very least, he can forever encourage Chinese kids to brush their teeth after every meal. By contrast, the Fuwa are pretty-much useless in their post-Olympics retirement.

4. TELEVISION COMMERCIALS
The Olympics hype focused on China's potential impact on the world scene, not just in athletics, but in society at large. The Expo TV ads simply depict people from "all walks of life," as they like to say, celebrating diversity and partying with Haibao from the Himalayas to the South China Sea.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI
One touching ad shows a young Chinese girl literally leaping from one country to another, making friends with other children along the way. You gotta ask why wasn't this cute kid representing the allegedly-underage national gymnastics team at Beijing 2008?

5. CROWDS
The Shanghai summer's been hot, and big crowds stink. That sweaty combination surely made many tourists gag while waiting in lines to get inside air-conditioned national pavillions; bathrooms, too, for that matter. Then there's the odd Chinese cultural habit of busting in line. Don't get me started on that.

ADVANTAGE: SHANGHAI
It was hot at Beijing 2008 as well, but the bathroom options were not nearly as good, depending on which venue you attended or what hotel you stayed in. My hotel room's bathroom shower didn't have a curtain or a tub; only a pipe, a shower head, and a drain. I guess I was just supposed to be happy to get wet. I think you will actually get clean in Shanghai, or at least get a good, happy massage.

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DECISION: SHANGHAI WINS
...Beijing gets blanked. And for those of you who want to say, "if you like Shanghai so much, why don't you just move there?", save your breath. I suspect my wife and Haibao are already hooking-up.

Traditional Chinese Medicine

When I arrived in Beijing, I had dinner with an American friend of mine, one of the few people from the U. S. whom I knew here, and we talked about health care in China. At some point, I remarked that I used to suffer from daily headaches in the U. S., but then I discovered that a mix of medication and meditation (all right, most of it medication, I admit) solved the problem.

He said to forget about medication in China, and recommended, "a good massage will take care of your headaches. Everyone knows this."

I told him I did not need a massage. I said, "I need drugs!" I told him this in a voice loud enough to cause concern among the other men in the restaurant, at least those who weren't busy coughing up phlegm and spitting it on the floor.

This combination helped launch us into a discussion about Traditional Chinese Medicine which continues to this day. Because I spent the first 49 years of my life in the West, I don't have a very bright view of TCM. In fact, based on my experience with the health care system in China, if someone gave me the choice between treatment by a TCM physician or seeing a witch doctor, I'd be going to the guy wearing the grass skirt, war paint, and bone through his nose. After listening to some of the remedies TCM doctors have prescribed for me and others, it's hard to keep from wondering what bag of porridge rice they received their professional degrees from. The fact that they are wearing white lab coats is a joke, and probably ranks as an insult to medical science in general.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for the culture of home-grown medicine and herbal cures for a variety of health issues. TCM is researched and practiced with growing popularity around the world. But when you land in a place where people rely on TCM (and only TCM) to deal with everything from common aches and pains to brain surgery, it is a shock. When the comedian Richard Pryor famously said, "the hospital is no place to get well," he must have had China in mind.

My wife complained to me one morning about having stomach cramps, which is not an uncommon thing to hear about. But because she is Chinese and relies completely on TCM, she suggested the cause of her pain was cold air entering her body through the pores of her skin. I tried to explain to her that menstrual cramping is created by changes in a woman's hormone levels that lead to painful muscle contractions, not because Jack Frost was nipping at her navel. She actually thought I was insane for recommending analgesics or other over-the-counter pain medication. I said, "okay then, rub some dirt on your stomach and see if it feels better." I think I'll be sleeping in the living room for a while.

I'm sorry, but if you ask me, a prescription of herbs and roots is just not an effective way to treat illness. On the other hand, I am convinced that a lot of feeling bad is all in your mind anyway, so maybe it's a good solution for the Chinese people, and a lot cheaper, too.

Whatever floats your boat for health care is fine with me. Just realize that for some of us, adjusting to Traditional Chinese Medicine is like trying to turn the Titanic around. It's gonna take some time.

China and the Tyranny of Numbers

A foreigner I knew in Beijing said to me that he was once asked what China was like. He answered in a none-too-subtle way, "there are a lot of Chinese there."

The fact that China is the most populous country on the planet drives everything about the place. So many mouths to feed, so many workers to employ, so many consumers to buy products.

But the business world seems to regard this country with an adoration that borders on madness. They simply look at the raw numbers of potential customers and lose their collective minds.

What business leaders should be asking themselves is, does China really want what you are selling? Or would the people of China rather buy those products from a Chinese company instead?

Take, for example, the world soccer governing body, FIFA. According to an article in Time magazine about China's wish to host the World Cup football tournament:

"One thing is fairly certain: FIFA, the organization that runs the World Cup and decides the hosts, would likely do backflips if China tossed its hat in the ring, opening up the largest untapped soccer market in the world...there's an 'irresistible trend' toward China hosting the event."

Sure, China loves soccer, and that's great. But that doesn't mean enough Chinese people love soccer to make hosting the World Cup an automatic success. The marketing experts say, sure, but even if a mediocre amount of Chinese show up to buy your product, it means millions and millions more than are buying it than in the U.S., the U. K. or some other Western nation. So, they set up shop in Beijing and Shanghai, in Jilin and Jinan, in Qingdao and Chongqing, and wait in anticipation for the masses of Chinese customers to arrive.

Guess what? They aren't coming.

They are buying things from home-grown shops and stores instead. Clothes, cars, electronics, everything. There's no cachet to buying an imported brand, either. Chinese consumers were brought up to save money, not spend it, and they'll do it by increasingly buying domestic, not imported goods.

So, for those foreign companies expecting China will be their business salvation in the on-going global money crisis, maybe you should concentrate more on improving your marketing skills at home instead of taking them abroad. It will save you your shirt in the long run.

It's true, at any given moment, a million Chinese are doing something: buying cars, making widgets, eating, sleeping, spitting, something. That's a lot, but it's a very low figure on-average or by-percentage.

To paraphrase basketball coach Rick Pitino at the end of his unsuccessful run with the NBA's Boston Celtics, the Chinese consumer is not walking through that door. People in the Asian markets are a lot smarter than you think.

Fashion Part Two

Summers in Beijing are unbelieveably hot and oppressive. A lot of people complain that the air is thick with pollution, but it's really more about the lack of wind in the region. I swear the same air is over the city today that showed up 2 weeks ago. No rain, no breeze, and 95-to-100 degrees F. every single day. It's just like a friend wrote me: you know something's wrong when you wake up in a hot sweat because the temperature outside is 89...at 8 o'clock in the morning.

Yet summer's become my favorite season in Beijing because of the wild variety of English- language message t-shirts popularized by young people in the city. They're typically worn by high school students who want everyone to know how much they love English.

So here are some of my choices for the coolest message t-shirts I've seen this season -- and, like everything else in this blog, you can't make this stuff up:

SORRY I'M LATER

SWEET FLAVOR ROUGH TASTE

HURRY UP I CAN HEAR THE POLICE COMING

GET RICH AND SPEND MONEY

ALWAYS WEAR WHITE AND CLEAN

YOU HAVE NO REASON TO REFUSE MY REQUEST

SEXY CRACK KING HOODIE

and finally,

YOU CANNOT STOP MY PARTY

The kids -- and some adults -- don't always know what the words on their shirts, hats and handbags really say, and some of the messages are prone to contextual errors and typos. But that's what makes reading English in China fun.

More Chinese should try it. If they did, maybe people might quit trying to stop the party and want to join it instead.

Foreign Influence and the Sports Page

The sun never set on Great Britain's empire for hundreds of years, and it continues to burn brightly on the sports pages in the world's print media. Citizens from the United States who read international newspapers can always find a mixture of amusement and bewilderment in the English words and phrases used to describe athletes in action.

In both the U. S. and Britain, adjectives and verbs mix with slang and colloquialism to create a descriptive language all its own, but there are stark differences in style. In China and other nations touched by a broad British influence, Americans can find a long list of terms which they would never see in a newspaper at home.

FORM, describing a condition of a player or team: "Liverpool showed good form." I can assure you the only form sports fans in the U. S. are interesed in is that which is exhibited by the Laker Girls or the women in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

CRASHED-OUT means a player or team lost its game or match. But let's get real, the only sport in which anyone should really expect to read the phrase "crashed out" is auto racing. Or maybe rugby. It depends on who is receiving the crashing.

SNATCHED, as in "the Chinese gymnasts snatched their third gold medal." The present tense of this word is also used to describe a part of the female anatomy, in both the U. S. and Britain. It's basically an obscenity which can't be used in mixed company, much less on the sports page. The fact that the British are still printing this word probably indicates the lack of lady sports editors in newsrooms across the Commonwealth (or what's left of it, anyway).

LEVEL, to even the score: "Manchester United leveled the match." I am personally more accustomed to seeing the word "tie" to describe an even score. But in soccer, the "tie" is the game itself. Leveled is a word to suggest what Mike Tyson used to do to opponents in the boxing ring.

There are a few good reasons why soccer is not so popular in the U. S. European-based English adjectives meant to describe great soccer action tend to be those once used by 19th century British aristocracy. A "brilliant" goal. A "sublime" pass. "Gifted." "Clever." "Well-Earned." "Well-Deserved." Predictably, the words Americans use to describe the same kind of events evoke much more violent or extravagant 20th century imagery: "blazing"..."dazzling"..."towering."

I haven't seen a Yao Ming dunk described as "clever" yet, but the poor defender who tried to stop Yao probably got a "well-deserved" degree of humiliation.

Liu Xiang

Reading stories about how the trials and tribulations of South Korean athletes at the Vancouver Winter Olympics is making that country lose its collective mind reminded me of how the Chinese feel about their athletics hero, Liu Xiang.

I thought it was only a myth when I heard someone say that all of China stops when Liu Xiang runs. Liu is the 110 meter hurdling sensation who became the first Chinese track athlete to win a gold medal at the Athens Olympics. He then turned national fame to shame by walking away from the starting line in the Beijing Olympics due to a chronic leg injury. Just as in all good sports stories, Liu made a monumental comeback, running to a near-victory in Shanghai 12 months later, and then lined-up for the gold medal run in China's 11th National Games.

I was enjoying a quick meal at a McDonald's restaurant in Beijing when Liu Xiang ran his National Games race. A large flat-screen TV in the corner of the place was tuned to the live coverage. And, true to what I was told, everything stopped. Diners stopped eating. Workers stopped working. Counter staffers stopped taking orders. I could imagine that all across China, all kinds of behavior came to a screeching halt as this one sports event captured the nation's attention.

People stopped spitting. Kids stopped peeing in public. Corrupt officials stopped cheating on their wives with pretty young secretaries, and their familes stopped suffering in silence. Taxi drivers stopped being obnoxious jerks, although I am sure there were some who didn't get with the program and continued with their lousy behavior.

And in 13.25 seconds, it was over. Liu Xiang ran his race, won the gold medal, and life returned to normal. Except for that taxi driver who never quit showing his bad-ass attitude, blissfully unaware that his national sports hero was making history again.

Year of the Tiger

This is finally the week in which the Chinese change the page on the lunar calendar.

The Year of the Tiger is at hand, which is good news for all tigers with the possible exception of Tiger Woods.

I've read recently that there are not as many wild tigers as you might think. The tiger is apparently listed as one of the globe's ten most endangered species. There are thought to be only 3,200 wild tigers living in the world today.

In China, I imagine the tigers must know this, and are hungry to get even. Almost a year ago, two Chinese men decided to take a shortcut through a wildlife preserve near Beijing, not realizing that it was also a habitat for wild tigers, who were likely shocked and amazed by the sight of live human beings in their midst. In fact, I suspect two of the tigers had a conversation inspired by the lizards in the old Budweiser TV commercials from a few years back:

Tiger 1: Hey, Frankie.

Tiger 2: Yeah, Louie.

Tiger 1: You know, we've been living in this jungle far away from our homes for a couple of years now. And I was just thinking, the food here is good, but it ain't the same. I just can't get used to it.

Tiger 2: Well, Beijing food comes from a different culture. It is an acquired taste fit only for the most-sophisticated palate. They've been enjoying this food for 5000 years, so they can't be wrong. All the foreign tigers swear by it.

Tiger 1: I know, I know. The Siberian tigers and Bengal tigers enjoy those dishes. But I tell you, Louie, some of that traditional food smells like dirty dishrags, and tastes worse. Just sayin'.

Tiger 2: But the South China tigers say the food they get down there is just delicious.

Tiger 1: Well, DUH. It's South China. They're getting prime choice. Deer, rabbit, antelope, the spicy Sichuan stuff. But up here at the Badaling Great Wall, it ain't so good. The fact of the matter is, I have a craving for something we haven't had in quite a while.

Tiger 2: What's that, Louie?

Tiger 1: Three words. Basic. Human. Flesh.

Tiger 2: C'mon, Louie. We're tigers in China. We just go with the flow and do what the Romans do. Besides, where are you going to find any humans to chow down on over here? It's not like a couple of Chinese guys are going to come intruding into our nature park.

Tiger 1: You mean like those two over there?

Intruder 1: I don't think this is the right shortcut.

Intruder 2: Why?

Intruder 1: Because those two man-eating tigers are on the same side of the fence we're on.

Needless to say, the intruders regretted their decision, and the afternoon on which they chose to enter the tigers' den was part of their last day on earth.

Tiger 2: Well, I gotta hand it to you, you were right. Basic human flesh was a welcome change of pace.

Tiger 1: Yeah. But it woulda tasted better if it was French.

Generosity

Every few months, my company gives every employee a gift bag filled with household items. It is the kind of generosity that you hardly ever see in the United States; at least I know I never saw it at any of the places where I worked. Each bag contains everyday, practical goods like dishwashing liquid, hair shampoo, and hand sanitizer.


These bags are extremely popular with the workers. I think it's part of what the Chinese have learned from experience. Only a few decades ago, goods like these were only available through a system of rationing. Now, of course, you can find them in all of the supermarkets, but they aren't exactly free. And, to be honest, some of the low wage-scale employees at my place still find it hard to afford a few of the items in the bag. It's a luxury for them.


As for us foreigners, we also happily acknowledge the company's spirit of giving. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but recall the news stories from back in the day about Chinese-made goods like these: the toothpaste which contained a strange chemical additive that might be dangerous, the laundry soap that didn't really get clothes clean, the toys coated with lead-based paint.


The first thing I look for when open my gift bag is the item whose label lacks a single word of English. Nothing but Chinese characters. I have no idea what it is, absolutely no clue. Just opening the cap sends me on an adventure like a kid with a brand new chemistry set. Is it solid? Liquid? Will it kill bugs? Should I wear eye protection? Should I keep it out of reach of children and / or pets? Is it edible? What is it really used for, anyway?


Maybe it's a setup. After a few days, some guys in uniforms will get into my apartment when I don't show up for work: "Stupid foreigner. He should have known better than to let the Traditional Chinese Herbal Milk Whitener Body Wash mix with ordinary bath water. OK, let's take him to the hospital and clean out his lungs."


I mean, how else will the other 1.3 billion consumers know if it's safe?

Official Cars

In keeping with Beijing's status as a national capital, and adhering to 20th century mainland tradition, you see a lot of solid black sedans in the city. It reminds you of Henry Ford's famous pronouncement upon creating the first assembly line for the Model T: "you can buy any color you like, as long as it's black."


Some of the cars have diplomatic plates and shuttle important people to and from the embassy districts, some carry police officers, and some are actually driven by ordinary, albeit relatively wealthy, Beijing residents or their chauffeurs. But most belong to powerful Party officials, and in one of the most bizarre tales I've heard in China, young children are taught to actually salute or wave at black cars out of gratitude and respect for the men or women riding inside.


In the disrespectful West, children -- and grownups -- are more likely to shoot the finger at such authority figures and their rolling symbols of superiority. But in China, authority is not just respected, it is revered and not meant to be questioned. And of course, saluted. Literally.


I often imagine a black car with tinted glass windows rolling past with a corrupt businessman or official in the back seat, and a hot young fashion model half his age riding on his lap. As the car passes some young children on the sidewalk, the man is producing a different kind of salute.


To me and many of my fellow foreigners, a black car is just another black car. Unless it's onyx.
I'd be more impressed if an official car glided by with mini-chandeliers mounted above the headlights, like the ride Issac Hayes' character had in "Escape From New York." But for now, I can only guess who is behind the tinted glass, and imagine riding in the Chinese seat of power myself, young fashion model girl included. Like Wesley Snipes' detective character said in "Passenger 57": "...ALWAYS BET ON BLACK!"

Induction Cooker

I have an induction cooker.

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It is a great way to cook stir-fry foods in a ridiculously short amount of time, given that you know how to make it work. The biggest reason I got one was because going out for every meal was getting too expensive. So, to paraphrase President Obama, it was time for Change To Come To My Kitchen.

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Buying the induction cooker at a Beijing department store was predictably tough. I had to dodge nosy sales clerks who wanted to ask me 40 questions in Chinese. Maybe the questions were as harmless as "so, what foods are you thinking of preparing?" To which my joking response would have been, "human liver with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti." Not that they would have understood the humor, even if I'd said it in Mandarin.

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Fortunately for me, the 5 clerks assigned to this single product aisle were busy interrogating another customer, so I grabbed the merchandise and sneaked it to the checkout counter for purchase. I carried the induction cooker up to my apartment, laid it on the kitchen counter, lowered the lights, put on some sexy music, and prepared to get down to some home-cooking.

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Except that the instructions for operating the cooker were completely written in Chinese.

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After consulting various online sources, I discovered that induction cookers use a magnetic field to generate heat. I am familiar with microwave cooking, but I had no idea I'd need the bad guy from the X-Men film series to help me fix dinner in Beijing. All I could figure out was that the thing would beep for 5 annoying minutes before it finally died.

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Once I purchased the appropriate iron-clad pots and pans, I was finally ready to begin the routine of creating fabulous meals at home. But by now, the magic -- not to mention my appetite -- was over.

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I decided to eat some of the magnetically-heated, stir-fried meat and veggies and save the rest for a microwaved mini-meal. The next day, was starving. I popped open the microwave oven only to discover a rash of Chinese characters on the inside of the door, describing how to use it.

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In my Beijing kitchen, just like in U. S. politics, it seems real change will have to wait.