When I Rule

Upon celebrating my 19 month anniversary of being in Beijing, I feel compelled to admit something: the first 12 months were none too pleasant. The shock of trying to adjust to a completely new culture without benefit of language skills or accurate information about day-to-day living took its toll, and although I am able to laugh about most of it now, I was in some very serious trouble more times than I want to count. Sickness, starvation, the threat of deportation, insufficient funds, lousy living arrangements, and more.

I thought a great deal about the advice I was given early in the experience: "approach China with an open mind and give it a chance, and things will work out." Well, I did have an open mind and I did give it a chance, but no, things did not work out -- well, not like I'd hoped, anyway -- not until I'd finished my first year in Beijing.

To get through the longest of days and the darkest of hours, I came up with a list of things I would change if given the opportunity...the opportunity to rule China. I mean, everyone else has had their chance; I think it's my turn.

The instant I become fluent in Mandarin, I will simply take over, and When I Rule China, this is what will happen:

1. ...taxi drivers will work for tips. They'll figure out once they deliver better service in a kind and helpful manner, they'll get paid more, on-the-spot. That's got to be good, right?

2. ...people must clean up whatever it is they spit on the streets. With their tongues. Forget the idea of issuing fines, this plan will be more dramatic and instantly effective. And don't try to tell me there aren't enough police to enforce it.

3. ...there will be three, no, four McDonalds' restaurants on every block.

4. ...there will be no more rusted bikes, scooters, cars, or trucks. People must take pride in their wheels and reject the beat-up rentals; from now on you are what you ride / drive, just like in Southern California.

5. ...workers, stop bringing power tools with you on the subway. I am surprised people are getting away with this now.

6. ...a loaf of bread must have more than 6 slices in the bag. French bread will be subject to an additional 10 percent sales tax. Accordingly...

7. ...all French Carrefour stores will close and be immediately replaced by SuperTarget from the USA.

8. ...the spelling of words in Pinyin will become standardized. No more 5-different-ways-to-say-4th-Ring-Road on a map.

9. ...two thirds of all football, er, soccer fields will be plowed-over and replaced with basketball courts across the land. The final third will be used for golf driving ranges or tennis courts.

10. ...we hire the mayor of Macau to run Beijing, and order him to light up the Forbidden City like Las Vegas all year 'round.

By the way, I just learned how to make banking transactions using Mandarin. Get those Big Macs ready.