Visor

Beijing is a city of bicycles, upholding a tradition that dates back centuries. This is despite the fact that dozens of new cars and drivers hit the road every hour. I am positive that, in 100 years, a simple bicycle will ultimately be the symbol of what Old Beijing used to be. And, alongside the bicycle, there will be the biggie-sized visor, a giant, tough, tinted-plastic shield that goes from the top of the rider's head to the tip of her chin.

I think the windshield-visor combination is cool. I've always wanted to arrive at my destination looking like I'm ready to cut and mend metal. If I happened to crash and break my bike frame, I could just fire-up the acetylene torch, make the repairs, and be back on the streets within seconds.

Seriously, it's a positive idea, achieving full-face protection from the sun's glare and debris from the road. If Dale Earnhardt was wearing this -- in addition to a proper seat belt -- maybe he would still be alive and winning races. Even more impressive are the lengths that some riders take to protect their exposed forearms from the harmful effects of the sun, especially among older mainland Chinese women. By custom, they try to avoid dark-tanned arms and shoulders. It's partly due to concern about keeping healthy, but it's also a fact that, in China, dark skin implies a life of manual labor, inviting social discrimination. So silk gloves that go up past the elbow are among the summer-season necessities for these easy-riding grannies.

Somehow, I'm not so sure the Intimidator would have followed that trend.

When I Rule

Upon celebrating my 19 month anniversary of being in Beijing, I feel compelled to admit something: the first 12 months were none too pleasant. The shock of trying to adjust to a completely new culture without benefit of language skills or accurate information about day-to-day living took its toll, and although I am able to laugh about most of it now, I was in some very serious trouble more times than I want to count. Sickness, starvation, the threat of deportation, insufficient funds, lousy living arrangements, and more.

I thought a great deal about the advice I was given early in the experience: "approach China with an open mind and give it a chance, and things will work out." Well, I did have an open mind and I did give it a chance, but no, things did not work out -- well, not like I'd hoped, anyway -- not until I'd finished my first year in Beijing.

To get through the longest of days and the darkest of hours, I came up with a list of things I would change if given the opportunity...the opportunity to rule China. I mean, everyone else has had their chance; I think it's my turn.

The instant I become fluent in Mandarin, I will simply take over, and When I Rule China, this is what will happen:

1. ...taxi drivers will work for tips. They'll figure out once they deliver better service in a kind and helpful manner, they'll get paid more, on-the-spot. That's got to be good, right?

2. ...people must clean up whatever it is they spit on the streets. With their tongues. Forget the idea of issuing fines, this plan will be more dramatic and instantly effective. And don't try to tell me there aren't enough police to enforce it.

3. ...there will be three, no, four McDonalds' restaurants on every block.

4. ...there will be no more rusted bikes, scooters, cars, or trucks. People must take pride in their wheels and reject the beat-up rentals; from now on you are what you ride / drive, just like in Southern California.

5. ...workers, stop bringing power tools with you on the subway. I am surprised people are getting away with this now.

6. ...a loaf of bread must have more than 6 slices in the bag. French bread will be subject to an additional 10 percent sales tax. Accordingly...

7. ...all French Carrefour stores will close and be immediately replaced by SuperTarget from the USA.

8. ...the spelling of words in Pinyin will become standardized. No more 5-different-ways-to-say-4th-Ring-Road on a map.

9. ...two thirds of all football, er, soccer fields will be plowed-over and replaced with basketball courts across the land. The final third will be used for golf driving ranges or tennis courts.

10. ...we hire the mayor of Macau to run Beijing, and order him to light up the Forbidden City like Las Vegas all year 'round.

By the way, I just learned how to make banking transactions using Mandarin. Get those Big Macs ready.

Chinese Food

I went to eat dinner at a very old-fashioned Beijing restaurant. My companion, a young lady who was born and raised in Beijing, explained to me that this restaurant was so traditional that the famous Peking Duck was not even on the menu.

Unlike foreigners who dine in Beijing, most Chinese find only rare opportunities to eat Peking Duck. Most of the time, they're eating at smaller, less-expensive establishments like the one in which we were seated. Restaurants which, my companion explained, do not have the same standard of cleanliness that we enjoy in the West. As if to prove her point, she refused to eat with the wooden chopsticks which the restaurant provided. Once the food arrived at the table, she slowly pulled out her own set of stainless steel chopsticks, which came in four parts. She assembled the chopsticks as carefully and silently as an assassin would put together a high-powered rifle, and only then was she ready to enjoy her meal. This scene left me extremely impressed. I was having dinner with the Chinese Girl from U.N.C.L.E.

I am not ashamed to admit that I am basically clueless when it comes to using chopsticks. Restaruant staffers tend to expect it. After observing my fumbling-around with the 'sticks, someone will usually bring a knife and fork, and plop them down in front of the idiot-foreigner-who-should-not-have-even-showed-up-in-our-country-if-he-did-not-know-how-to-eat-our-food. This was kind of humiliating at first, but I got used to it. If I wasn't so concerned about carrying dangerous weapons around, I would bring my own eating utensils wherever I go in China. It would undoubtedly shock whomever accompanied me to dinner:

Dinner Companion: "Hey. What are you doing?"

Me: "I am getting ready to cut my food. WITH A KNIFE."

DC: "AAAAAH! How barbaric! One eats the pig's intestinal organs with chopsticks only! Everybody knows this!"

Me: "Sorry, but my stomach is learning as we go. Now, where is the ketchup?"

That being said, I really admire anyone who can eat with chopsticks in old Beijing; someone who can manage to look at the food on the plate, grab it cleanly with the 'sticks, and consume the stuff while declaring it utterly delicious. And since you might swear some of the food is still moving when it's brought to your table, knowledge from special weapons training is nice to have, too.