Liu Xiang

Reading stories about how the trials and tribulations of South Korean athletes at the Vancouver Winter Olympics is making that country lose its collective mind reminded me of how the Chinese feel about their athletics hero, Liu Xiang.

I thought it was only a myth when I heard someone say that all of China stops when Liu Xiang runs. Liu is the 110 meter hurdling sensation who became the first Chinese track athlete to win a gold medal at the Athens Olympics. He then turned national fame to shame by walking away from the starting line in the Beijing Olympics due to a chronic leg injury. Just as in all good sports stories, Liu made a monumental comeback, running to a near-victory in Shanghai 12 months later, and then lined-up for the gold medal run in China's 11th National Games.

I was enjoying a quick meal at a McDonald's restaurant in Beijing when Liu Xiang ran his National Games race. A large flat-screen TV in the corner of the place was tuned to the live coverage. And, true to what I was told, everything stopped. Diners stopped eating. Workers stopped working. Counter staffers stopped taking orders. I could imagine that all across China, all kinds of behavior came to a screeching halt as this one sports event captured the nation's attention.

People stopped spitting. Kids stopped peeing in public. Corrupt officials stopped cheating on their wives with pretty young secretaries, and their familes stopped suffering in silence. Taxi drivers stopped being obnoxious jerks, although I am sure there were some who didn't get with the program and continued with their lousy behavior.

And in 13.25 seconds, it was over. Liu Xiang ran his race, won the gold medal, and life returned to normal. Except for that taxi driver who never quit showing his bad-ass attitude, blissfully unaware that his national sports hero was making history again.

Year of the Tiger

This is finally the week in which the Chinese change the page on the lunar calendar.

The Year of the Tiger is at hand, which is good news for all tigers with the possible exception of Tiger Woods.

I've read recently that there are not as many wild tigers as you might think. The tiger is apparently listed as one of the globe's ten most endangered species. There are thought to be only 3,200 wild tigers living in the world today.

In China, I imagine the tigers must know this, and are hungry to get even. Almost a year ago, two Chinese men decided to take a shortcut through a wildlife preserve near Beijing, not realizing that it was also a habitat for wild tigers, who were likely shocked and amazed by the sight of live human beings in their midst. In fact, I suspect two of the tigers had a conversation inspired by the lizards in the old Budweiser TV commercials from a few years back:

Tiger 1: Hey, Frankie.

Tiger 2: Yeah, Louie.

Tiger 1: You know, we've been living in this jungle far away from our homes for a couple of years now. And I was just thinking, the food here is good, but it ain't the same. I just can't get used to it.

Tiger 2: Well, Beijing food comes from a different culture. It is an acquired taste fit only for the most-sophisticated palate. They've been enjoying this food for 5000 years, so they can't be wrong. All the foreign tigers swear by it.

Tiger 1: I know, I know. The Siberian tigers and Bengal tigers enjoy those dishes. But I tell you, Louie, some of that traditional food smells like dirty dishrags, and tastes worse. Just sayin'.

Tiger 2: But the South China tigers say the food they get down there is just delicious.

Tiger 1: Well, DUH. It's South China. They're getting prime choice. Deer, rabbit, antelope, the spicy Sichuan stuff. But up here at the Badaling Great Wall, it ain't so good. The fact of the matter is, I have a craving for something we haven't had in quite a while.

Tiger 2: What's that, Louie?

Tiger 1: Three words. Basic. Human. Flesh.

Tiger 2: C'mon, Louie. We're tigers in China. We just go with the flow and do what the Romans do. Besides, where are you going to find any humans to chow down on over here? It's not like a couple of Chinese guys are going to come intruding into our nature park.

Tiger 1: You mean like those two over there?

Intruder 1: I don't think this is the right shortcut.

Intruder 2: Why?

Intruder 1: Because those two man-eating tigers are on the same side of the fence we're on.

Needless to say, the intruders regretted their decision, and the afternoon on which they chose to enter the tigers' den was part of their last day on earth.

Tiger 2: Well, I gotta hand it to you, you were right. Basic human flesh was a welcome change of pace.

Tiger 1: Yeah. But it woulda tasted better if it was French.

Generosity

Every few months, my company gives every employee a gift bag filled with household items. It is the kind of generosity that you hardly ever see in the United States; at least I know I never saw it at any of the places where I worked. Each bag contains everyday, practical goods like dishwashing liquid, hair shampoo, and hand sanitizer.


These bags are extremely popular with the workers. I think it's part of what the Chinese have learned from experience. Only a few decades ago, goods like these were only available through a system of rationing. Now, of course, you can find them in all of the supermarkets, but they aren't exactly free. And, to be honest, some of the low wage-scale employees at my place still find it hard to afford a few of the items in the bag. It's a luxury for them.


As for us foreigners, we also happily acknowledge the company's spirit of giving. But in the back of my mind, I can't help but recall the news stories from back in the day about Chinese-made goods like these: the toothpaste which contained a strange chemical additive that might be dangerous, the laundry soap that didn't really get clothes clean, the toys coated with lead-based paint.


The first thing I look for when open my gift bag is the item whose label lacks a single word of English. Nothing but Chinese characters. I have no idea what it is, absolutely no clue. Just opening the cap sends me on an adventure like a kid with a brand new chemistry set. Is it solid? Liquid? Will it kill bugs? Should I wear eye protection? Should I keep it out of reach of children and / or pets? Is it edible? What is it really used for, anyway?


Maybe it's a setup. After a few days, some guys in uniforms will get into my apartment when I don't show up for work: "Stupid foreigner. He should have known better than to let the Traditional Chinese Herbal Milk Whitener Body Wash mix with ordinary bath water. OK, let's take him to the hospital and clean out his lungs."


I mean, how else will the other 1.3 billion consumers know if it's safe?