Squat Toilet

I've finally come to review something which I find so vile, revolting, and disgusting that I cannot even bring myself to post a photograph of it on this blog. All of you readers who have lived in Beijing or are currently residing here know where I'm going with this. For those of you who somehow missed the title at the top of the entry, I am talking about the Squat Toilet.

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There are some things that just cannot be excused or explained by cultural differences, and the Squat Toilet is at the top of the list in Beijing. In China, and indeed, in much of Asia, the water closet throne has no seat. You must simply balance, brace yourself, or mysteriously levitate above a hole in the ground, and drop your load.

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This little detail of life in China somehow escaped the thoughts of every single person who advised me about moving here. An "oh, by the way, if you need to go #2, you'll need to balance your butt above a hole in the ground with your pants around your ankles" would have been appreciated. And where was this important aspect of contemporary Asia documented during the run-up to the Olympic Games? Why didn't any of the umpteen local reporters, much less national network anchors, do a profile on how one of the basic necessities of everyday life calls for an uncomfortable compromise for most Westerners?

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The Chinese will tell you they invented paper and the means to write on it. They invented fireworks. They may have even invented the first shoulder-mounted rocket-propelled-grenade launcher. So my complaint can be summed up thusly: "After more than 5,000 years of civilized history, is this all you could come up with for depositing human waste? A hole in the ground?"

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I can recall the first time I encountered the horror of the Squat Toilet. It was at my workplace, in a public bathroom on my floor in the office building. It seemed familiar enough, a metal door on some hinges, next to a typical urinal. It wasn't the cleanest restroom in the world, but I understand how accuracy is sometimes the first casualty When Nature Calls. When I pushed the door open and beheld the sight of the Squat Toilet, all I could think was, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Some quaint porcelain plating and a foot-pedal flush system was all that separated it from the Coal Miner's Daughter's family outhouse in Appalachia. What was going on behind the next door down the hall? The Chinese Chainsaw Massacre?

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And this was on the eighth floor of a 25-story office tower. As I stood in the doorway, I could only imagine thirteen more levels of fecal matter dropping straight down, burning its way from one hole in the floor to the next, just like the acidic blood from "Alien." I finally turned away and began to quickly consider alternatives to my situation. I gave up on the entire building almost immediately, and went to the 4-star hotel down the street. At least they had the proper equipment to get the job done.

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Later, I discovered that the Squat Toilet is, perhaps, a result of necessity. Every now and then, you'll see a small public toilet building along a city street, and I assure you, each one has all of the fly-swatting charm of a rustic roadside rest stop along a blue highway in Arkansas. But, when you live in a city of 12-to-15 million people, dignity isn't always going to be your top concern. And, if you grew up in most parts of China, this is the way you were potty-trained: learning to rest your weight on your heels, wedging-open your butt crack, and moving the bowels until empty.

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Now the real scary thing...as if what I've already described is not scary enough...is foreigner families are actually teaching their kids to adapt to this crude custom. One woman writing on a community website says she is forcing her 3 year-old to learn to squat, because, "after all, we live in China, and we travel a lot, so the sooner our kids learn how to use squat toilets, the better!"

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Excuse the phrase, but HOLY CRAP, LADY! China has many nice hotels, nice schools, and nice homes, all with toilet seats. And they are clean, too. Unless you are traveling to some primitive grassland wilderness where no 3 year-old child needs to be, anyway, you can find a less-traumatizing choice.

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True, the astronauts aboard the International Space Station are having trouble with a workable solution, but at least they're trying. In zero gravity, I might add.

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I admit I don't understand everything about Chinese culture. However, I can tell you this; every man, woman, and child needs to sit down, not squat, to pinch a loaf. This isn't rocket science.