Helllllooooo!

I was walking along a busy Beijing street, amid the reckless bicycles, the crazed taxi drivers, the three-wheeled death cabs, the fresh fruit and vegetable vendors, and stinky tofu restaurants, when out of nowhere, a friendly-looking Chinese peasant worker gives me a long stare. Then, he utters what's probably the only English word he knows:


"Hellllloooooo!"

Almost every foreign visitor to Beijing gets this. For most of us, it's what we treasure most, a chance to make some kind of meaningful connection, person-to-person, with someone from another country and culture. Many Chinese, however, don't see it the same way. For them, "Hellllooooo" is the first step toward some kind of fraudulent scheme, a way to strip a visitor of his foreign cash.

"How stupid are youuuuuuu?"

A basic tip to any foreigner arriving in Beijing: if a man steps up and says "Hellloooo" to you, keep walking. His faux-friendly greeting is code for:

"Buy my soon-to-be-non-functioning fake Rolex watch!"

"Buy my piece-of-crap cheap replica I-Phone!"

"You speak English? Good! I have a group of invisible English students in a non-existent classroom that just happens to be decorated with lousy artwork which I KNOW you want to buy as a reminder of your trip to China!"

For any Chinese men who are reading this blog entry, take a hint. "Helllooo" doesn't cut it. You need to bring more to the party. Like, maybe, "Hi, how are you?" "Good morning." "Nice weather we're having." It's okay to lie.

Also, maybe try saying "Hellloooo" in a different language we might be familiar with: "Hola," or "Bonjour."

And if some of you really want to mess with us (you know who you are...and so do I), substitute "Helllooo" with "Konnichi-wa," so we might mistake you for being Japanese. I know you won't think it's funny at first, but ultimately, we both would get a chuckle out of it, believe me.